We cut and kill flowers because we think they are beautiful. We cut and kill ourselves because we think we are not.

So approaching my 2nd year of employment after going thru hell and having a job, having house almost free and clear. I’m about to be on the street again. Or hanging from a tree near a street. That is if I escape from quarantine.

From Twitter :

Rough day yesterday and continued today. Depression sucks and helping others when I’m in my own rabbit hole makes me fall faster. I can’t say no when someone needs help. Yet can’t say yes when offered help.

Be advised this is my new work schedule. For those that don’t know I’m working with the Department of Education and in a secure environment where I can’t have a cellphone. So be advised..

My hours are for now as follows.

Monday 12:30-9p
Tuesday 11:30-9p
Wednesday & Thursday 8:00-5:30p
Friday 8:00-1:00p

So lake time starts at 1:01 Friday thru Monday.

Well,

I wasn’t doing great but had the chance if a good job and found that I had a decent IRS return due. I filed taxes and did what I hate doing and borrowed some of the due amount from a friend. In the weeks that followed I was denied employment because I apparently didn’t have a required history of customer service even though I can’t think of a higher engagement rate being in TV and working phones.  I received a small payment back from the state and was due my federal by today.

Problem is several parts. Now I’m still unemployed and a decent employer is apparently having an internal dispute a out which department is hiring. Until then I am still living off now $45.00 to my name and cards maxed out and bills due next week.

I’m sick, why? Because today the IRS has said my identity is in question and I have to fill out a bunch here of forms and prove who I indeed am. The document mailed states it could take 9 WEEKS.

That’s not doable.. Life is really going to shit. One of the bright spots of my adventure had been helping a friend with their new position and I’m now feeling like I’m being blown off. I really have no prospects on the table and all I’m doing to family is being a burden.

Seems like being cut off is a trend.. Layer off and most friends and church have abandoned me except for the few I harass and those whom care genuinely…

Before Christmas I was leaving for lunch with Cassie to discover I didn’t have water. It was taken care of but signaled a trend..

I returned from a job hunt and house sitting for a friend to no heat or hot water. I had to suffer a very cold night without.

Let the downpour start as today I lost power for a few and had to use my car payment for electricity.. This week car, gas, water, rest of electricity bill, internet are all due and I have $20. I’m guessing that this will be my last post for a while.

So much hate, pain, anger, disappointment, and hurt. That’s just my life not the News. I have said before I look at FB to see how my friends, their children are advancing and fellow coworkers are. But so much political and infighting on here. I have my own battles to lose. I’ve given up on winning. I’ve given up on trying and to look here for the positive things from my “friends” it makes me regret that choice most times. I’m crawling back into a hole and if I’m lucky an asteroid or a drunken semi driver will find it.

So if you wish to find me you can send me a DM or call me. Fun fact I’ve not had an incoming call that was a human for 8 days. I’ve been the only one to reach out. And I can count on 5 fingers the ones who have called me in a month. My worth is lost when I always have to reach out. I’m not worth someone’s time to check my pulse.

Today was 14 hours..

Early 8a-1030p.. #spf30

It’s been 1 year since I watched you take your last breath and brushed your hair as we listened to wake up little Susie. They had the monitors muted so when you left everyone kinnda looked around and said a pray or figured out what to do next. Over the next 20 hours we would have everything set and Patrick and Cassie were cranking away at your obituaries and I was in fight mode and trying to stay busy.
I miss you. I may have found you by now but that’s not in the cards for now. I’m still trying to get everything done.