All I wanted was a way to forget my mom isn’t here this year and I wanted to work every shift. It seems my boss doesn’t like the idea and has placed me OFF WORK from the only safe place I know for the entire weekend. This may be the end fokes. Nail in the coffin. Not working has me sitting at home with moms Urn. It’s Christmas and a time to be thankful.. Guess I can’t be pleased. Forced to grieve and be mostly alone.

I need a couple of these.

From FB: Today I realized I have a parachute above me and each of the components are my true friends. Without it, you drop to your death. However using each friend allows you to land safely no matter how turbulent things are.. Random JC wisdom.. I’ve yet to stop my free fall.. Screaming where nobody can hear you is the best kind of scream. ——- I had for almost a month absorbed myself in someone who is not the same mess I’m in but they are in bad shape and I was keeping myself occupied helping them till I guess they got sick of me and stopped communicating even when planned things… She vanished… She is a good distraction and I was trying to help her curb her issues but I assume I’m not capable… So as normal I gave up

So here’s how this works.. I’m a pretty damn good magician with medications.. When I take a risky dose I post.. Will this kill me, just make me over sleep.. Let’s see what the doctor ordered. 100mg Doxipin 1000mg Tylenol 40mg Propanal 2mg Halcyon 30mg remeron 4mg kolonipin 1mg xannax 100mg monodox Go team…

Today I am without a mother or father. I have no living grandparents nor do I have any siblings or children of my own. I’m alone.

I kid, If you know me then you know I’m the master of much and the keeper of many secrets. I however am vocal in my opinion and not afraid to wear my heart on my sleeve. Do I post things that could be read wrong or taken as an act rather than a thought? Yes Sadly. To be clear I’m not into self harm but I’m also human and stubborn so any harm isn’t intentional. If there was a test I could take for instant certification on a topic I can think of quite a few I’d probably nail with not much study. I know toxicity and the toxicology of my body better than anyone and I know what my threshold is on every pill I take. If I don’t know I’ll read up on it before taking. I also have an extremely high pain tolerance, so if I say I hurt you should know I’m really hurting. Things that don’t have an effect on me.. Morphine, Xannax, Kolonipin, fentinal, Imatrex, rohipnal, ambien and several other drugs.. What works? Tylenol, Halcyon, Diprivan and never ever give me any NCIDS because I’ll be disabled for a few days. Even the fastest medication to counter what NCIDS do to my blood take 48 hours to work. I can’t function in that time and have to be sedated. I am also a good shot when it comes to firearms and diverse situations. I prefer not to disclose my list of registered firearms but if you see me always assume I’m carrying at least one firearm. . I have high security clearances for projects I’m not even on only as an observer and to nit pick and offer alternatives or cause a project team to want me dead as an outsider. I am not in their think tank therfore I look for weakness and exploiting their projects because they are in glass houses without mirrors. Yes there are some good monetary awards if my research discovers a major flaw. I work way to much because no matter what I do my supervisors (some) continue to create a negative environment when my coworkers are whom I care about above making management happy. I rather have a product or issue be resolved then face the firing squad so if I’m fired I didn’t leave my team in a lurch. Soon, I hope to sell most of my cryptic currency at a good exchange rate and maybe move. I’m lonely, not a loner. I’m an introvert in the worst way. Sadly I don’t have many local friends and any attempt to make new friends comes awkward. I’m not trying to get in your pants. I just want you to sit next to me at a movie. I once gave a lot of my resources to a childhood best friend equaling over 3K over several Christmas gifts they couldn’t afford their son, to replacement of a tablet pc so one could not wear down phone battery to paying medical cobra payments so a heart surgery would have insurance. Recently I have decided not to feed that resource any longer as I’ve never ONCE gotten a thank you card. Mom frustrates me, there is no quick win on this. I can wrap my mind around it but I quickly recoil because until this week I’ve been alone for the last 3 hospital stays. This week some family actually visited and I posted a plea on FB for someone to take mom food and a childhood friend was not only quick to say where, when, what and spend time with mom when she didn’t have to. I know there are lots who offer but I’m the worst as not to disrupt others lives for my failure of not being able to get her food. I have a week of hold pattern before they do a surgery they arnt sure what their going to do yet. This post is random in order and if you know me it’s normal. If you don’t like it feel free to unfriended me, block me and get the fuck out of my life because you’re a cancer. Am I suicidal? No. Am I overloaded? Extremely. Is this the most I’ve had on my plate? Not hardly. Will it get better? No. Can you do anything? Pray for mom. Can you do anything for me? Respect my view, comments and offer help but don’t force it. Forcing will cause me to recoil leaving me feeling as if I’m not in control and this is a bad thing. I’m highly disappointed in my church and church family. I’ll leave it at that. 1600 time to goto bed. 💉

They are giving mom a less than 50% chance of survival of next surgery. I think my risk of survival is a lot lower than hers. This stress is killing me from the inside. I’m thankful for friends who have offered to be there for me and they haven’t failed me. I’m failing them for not reaching out for more help than I have.

Not trying to kill self but doubling up on sleep meds since ones taken 4 hours ago haven’t done shit so in 6hrs 5mg of halcion

Happy mothers day to all. I’m laying here not eaten since Friday morning if you excuse the fries I had on the road to the Thunder game. Spent yesterday in hibernation except for a server crashing when I was going to attend my yearly Drillers game. Been awake since 2a and have read about every paper out there. (West Coast just now posting). I’m starving need to eat and want to see Cassie today and wish my mom a happy mothers day. I reality I’m going to eat a pizza from the freezer and lay down more than likely failing to wake and see Cassie or my own mother because in 24 hours storms will be kicking my ass. I hate being depressed. Maybe I’ll get to goto lake soon and recharge or something seriously wrong will happen.

Today I updated my obit and contact list should I die regardless. 2 versions of course. The contract list is only 4 people.