I type this sitting in a private plane while Hayley is on the phone. Where are we going? No where. After we have pizza she is off to a wedding for a high school friend and I’m off to be at home alone. Cassie and about everyone else has plans or over crowded for the holidays. I am going to be spending it home alone with Domino pondering why I take the energy to breath. I’ve sent a few texts and emails to reach out and everyone has plans. I can’t get a flight cheap enough from LA Sunday or Monday to be home from where Hayley will be. I can stay at her house and fly there but she’s got a full schedule and I can’t afford LA. I guess I’ll watch cat videos..

Yesterday God gained an angel and awesome chef. I’ve known CJ since I was in my teens and he’s always been there ALWAYS and always had my back. He taught me more about tolerance toward homosexuality and alternative living than any article or lecture I’ve attended. He has taught be to be a giving person and to not ask for repayment even when the money was tight and ends barely meet. He got out of the IT business to pursue his dream to be a chef and own his own restaurant. He was the top of his class and graduated and offered jobs across Phoenix. Sadly he discovered he had cancer in 2013 and was given a short time. Cancer Treatment Centers extended his time and made him more comfortable to the end. May I sit at a table to eat his food soon.

So my 1 week away from Facebook was more harmful than good. I learned 2 lessons. #1. The least likely people to notice you deactivated will notice. #2. I enjoyed the added bonus of not sorting thru everyone’s shit shares but missed post from my friends. Facebook is an evil I guess I will deal with by moving some who share to much to a less seen feed possibly missing important posts. I have come to the realization I can go 7 days without giving a crap about Facebook because I got texts from around the globe on my away time checking in. So there is life past Facebook, just is it mine?

I have dreamed and thought about this a lot. I think I will leave my mark as a statistic.

Happy last day of vacation 2 of 4. This past week has had 1 good day and boy was it packed solid. The rest were a utter waste of oxygen. Friday was non stop and seeing Minions then Mission Impossible in the same day was fun along with my dinner guest Cassie. Saturday was packing and cleaning. Meanwhile my sleep schedule has not been on vacation mode so 2am grilled cheese sandwiches have been common. Today (Sunday) I goto bed super early (Yea right) and return to work tomorrow. I’m going to start publishing my calendar publicly and give the option for friends to book my open spots for lunch, hangout, sex, movies or volunteer events. (it’s in concept mode as are activities). Part of my moving has been a 96 gallon bag of clothing I’m donating so my wardrobe took a major hit. All I have to do before bed is order some makeup and order more trash bags (only come in 3 packs).

So, I am not having a good vacation. Did a spurt of travel over 3 days now I have 7 days without funds to do nothing. I’ve not shaved in a week and only shower to return to bed. I take vacation to get away from work but isolated isn’t good. Depression has continued to go down hill and thoughts grow darker. A previous flicker of an old flame was brought to my attention and that person is having no issues finding someone to date.. Hell even my movie buddies don’t have time for me anymore. I wonder how long before I would be missed?

Days I lay down to sleep because I need to sucks. Wish I has 9 lives and could shoot myself only to wake refreshed tonight.

Well it once again is dating season and I only have one prospect. This is not good. This is my last season before I break the 40 year mid-life crisis where I buy a fast car and hooked. Or I find a creative way to take my hat off. It’s sad that I reach out to those that I’m there for and they are nowhere to be found. I shoot a flare in the air to my friends saying hey I’m bored and need to be around people and I get silence. Somehow I feel I’m slowly sliding down the rope faster than I’ve climbed. I’ve done so well with going out and trying to get to know random people but it seems I’m not someone people want to know.

I feel like I need to to have swapped places with this bunny. My foot hurts so bad the biggest and baddest pain meds I have are only making me high not pain free. I’m still staying away from Facebook as I’m sad to have not heard back from Cassie about church and I kinnda wanted to see her and J today. My fallback plan was a movie but my gout is moving thru my foot and walking is getting to be a challenge. I’m not sleeping well which means dose has changed at least not a placebo. Somehow my music went from thrash metal to classical on its own at 1am. Must have been my 9th sense that kicked in to stop forward motion on me throwing the phone. I’m really hating life right now. My best friend doesn’t want me, work doesn’t want me and hell as far as I can tell nor does God.