So over the last few months my life and world has been slowly heading to a bad place. I’ve been changing drugs every 6 weeks that are to alter my mood, attitude and overall everything.  I’ve done this before and had been able to rebound. I’ll give you a brief summary. 3 years ago I was abusing a prescription drug and got help. While on the way to fix this I was diagnosed with a mental issue. Most of you know my mind NEVER stops and takes a break. I constantly have thoughts running thru it. Some people ask why don’t you just lay down? I can but I will end up thinking about laying down and it’s all a long loop that prevents me from hitting that “sleep” spot. They diagnosed me as having mania and being manic. This is included in the disorder Bi-Polar but it more directed to those that have manic episodes. To be described to me was to erratically change moods on the fly and not keeping the same mood for long periods of time. I DO NOT FIT THAT however they figured since I had similar symptoms that I was now being treated for Bi-Polar. Since 2009 I’ve tried 18 different meds for Depression, Seizures, and Sciz-o etc. I can’t tell you how many combos were also tried. She would try a drug solo for a few weeks then add another drug(s) to get a better effect. We had a workable solution however it required me to sleep 14 hours and go to bed at 3pm. THIS was not acceptable and I advised her of that. After a few months and me having issues of if I didn’t get to bed BY 5pm I would be drunkish for my 2am drive. This started affecting my work and it also affected my safety of driving while pretty much drunk. I went back to doctor on scheduled visit and was told that “There are no more options for you” I took a look at where I was in life. I didn’t have much of one. I decided to look for more options and did just that. Starting in July I found a new Doctor to get a FRESH prospective from because NOONE should have to live taking 14 pills at night… EXAMPLE:. 3pm (4) of one (3) of another and yet (3) of a 3^rd.  I could drive and do tasks that needed all of my attention until about 4:30 then I was fucked. At 5 I would take a total of 6 pills of different meds. And at 6 I would take the rest including a pill for sleep 😉 . Sometimes I was so drowsy by 5 that I just took everything and said F’ it. IF I violated this timeline it affected my JOB and wake-up time. Sometimes I’d go thru the crap just to wake up WIDE AWAKE at 10pm and be wide awake no matter HOW powerful of sleep med I took. (Trust me I’m a sleeping med junkie I know what doses should kill me) Anyway tossing and turning from 10-1a sucked then I’d just go to Wal-Mart or find something to do before I arrive to work.

July! I arrive at new doc after filling out an online questionnaire of some 500 questions asking every mental question you can think of including “Have you thought about killing yourself while taking this survey?” I almost said YES because it was in there a ways. On the online forms I filled in that I’ve been treated for Bi-Polar II. I met with my new doctor and he had scanned my questions I can tell by his questions he directed at me. We spent about 30 minutes talking about drugs and side-effects etc. about 15min into the conversation said “I don’t think you are bi-polar” and I for once agreed. I have no mood swings, No manic episodes etc. He takes me off 3 drugs then and he expresses his concerns on a drug I was on and explained that “I would take you off it however it takes 4 weeks to detoxify from it” The bad part is I wouldn’t be able to ramp UP on a drug to replace it until I was off. I.e. I’d be slowly sliding into nothing waiting on new drugs.

********************** This is where things get fun ***************

While my meetings with doctors we came across a plan. I needed to get of the 9 prescribed drugs for a disorder that we jointly don’t agree with. I decided to make a BIG boy step and we setup a plan. The goal of getting off 9 drugs.. Some of them HIGH dosages in a RAPID manner and go pretty much clean.

August 26^th at 3pm I checked myself into a hospital in Tulsa to detoxify off of all my drugs in a matter of days. I checked in to a facility that could handle my unique situation and given tons of HIPPA rules and what I want to publicly reveal that’s all you get =) On August 31^st I walked out on “3” drugs those including Adderall for ADDHD (taken since 13), a HIGH powered sleep medicine that I can’t remember the name of but is not common and a “mood stabilizer” low dose.

In the weeks since I’ve had MASSIVE acme breakouts that I didn’t like =) It seems 1 of the many drugs I was taking depressed my bodies abilities to deal with things. I’ve noticed that my feelings, moods, thought are crisp and raw. My heart is on my sleeve and in a tiny bubble protecting it. I’m currently working on re-learning to control my feelings and moods. Those anger issues that disappeared have reappeared but are nowhere near as bad.

Ok so there you go I’ve gone thru a drastic change and am overall the same person with the same attitude and ideas. I plan on several tweaks on meds and probably adding another to the mix.

Sometime in May I had a virus hit and screw up my blog. Needless to say a snowball of events I didn’t care so I didn’t fix it. NOW it’s fixed and you should have a virus free experiance.

Random,

So you see they did a new set at church 3 weeks ago. Wow I had my oral surgery and it went well I only did pain meds for that day then hit the ibuprofen. Had braces bracket come off and it allowed my tooth on lower croweded row move back to where it was. It happened a week or so before my apt and I’d just been in there to have wires re-done from surgery so I thought it was nothing, Well I get in there and they give me a bad look and file off the glue off my tooth and put a new thingie on. What I didn’t think about was all that tooth had to come back and that they would do it all at once and at the same time. I’m talking it hurt like hell I was pop’n lortabs leftover from surgery it hurt so much. It lasted two days then I’m back to braces and a bite that changes there are places where i play with my teeth and surfaces that mix in. I have several areas where I can feel the ruber bands that cover my brackets then I have the one on top but I can spend hours playing with them.

Church,

Church has been normal Cassie has been around and that makes me happy except last week and we mixed up and went the wrong days and before I could fix it I had taken my meds. Cassie broke up with her FB and I worry about her because shes there for everyone else but noone is really there for her. I’m going to attempt to get into her life some more and no I’m not talking romantically because that would be awkward.

Meds…. O meds
Doctors combo has be in bed by 4pm or I’m a drunk/impaired driver at 3am and they had a mini intervention at work about me showing up “out of it” “asleep” etc and how did I drive there without killing myself or getting arrested. I went and taked to doctor and were trying some new meds but its the same meds just different way of taking them. I’m confused on what to do except be in bed by 4 or sleepless and taking meds that won’t let me sleep. She still won’t trust me with any sleeping pills. so I’m taking 1/2 the problem. And its 1 drug thats the problem it magnifies the dosage of my meds I’m prescribed 900mb and 150mg makes me trip. I’ve been spending weekends in drug enduced coma’s by keeping the constant ammount of drug in my system. Not letting the level drop until church or work.

Life,

I’ve been watching movies as normal and really enjoyed what I saw Friday Fast Five on Imax 3d. I’ve seen Rio and a few others recently I’m planing on THOR on IMAX 10:30 Friday morning. Other than movies there is no life we are in sweeps.

Work,

Its May and were in sweeps and that means lots of work and also budget came in so I’ve been working on a project that has been keeping be busy and I’m putting a lot into this project.

Car,

I hit a concrete barrier at 45mph and fucked up the front end of my car and way way knocked out the allingment of my car and had to have it and the tires replaced because I wore them out. It cost me a ton to get my car fixed and working again. They did give me a good deal on tires. hehehe after the 2k in repairs.

Other stuff,

I got to talk to my balance the other morning even tho I’ve never get to talk to her anymore. I miss her and love her to death. I hate that shes so far apart from me. And NO its’ not a lustful love you sicko readers..

Online Love,

So I tried a dating website that said I would be compatible with children. This site has not been visited since. The online lady is still the same TXT back and fwd daily like 2 friends with the chance of something more. Her 18yld daughter had prom last weekend so many pictures to be seen and her 3yrld easter egg hunting. I am not totally freaked out by this.. Can someone please do a DNA test on me and make sure I’m me. I talked to a friend from church who is the PR coordinator for the girl scouts talking about looking for someone to date and she said do kids matter and I said if the mother is hot then no =) hahaha I’m scared whats going to come out this side of me.

Other,

Hi sweetie!, Fuck off asshole, Awww so sweet..

I took a few pics of the new set at church. I normally don’t do those things but I as asked to. Will get more later on when the stage is finished .

Wow where has time gone? Were in storm season and so far only 3 major events. This season was to be a big one. Maybe it will be.

Did I ever book my surgery?
Yes I bit the bullet and booked for April 6th and 11am But the timing is tricky. Orthodontist at 10, surgery 11 (2hrs), Ortho 2p again.
I’m taking the next day off just in case there is an issue.

Whats the latest news?
Really nothing major I’ve had friends with a lot of issues and feel sorry I can’t physically be there to help them but all I can do is make a phone call and try to calm them down. Or another friend that is around only when she needs something pops up. They both are dear to me but only 1 I’d drop things for to help. The other can be on my todo list. I mentioned my surgery and stuff so theres nothing elese new.

HOW MUCH?
Ya my 1st Cellphone bill was $197.97 seems they make you pay a month in advance and charged me for the split time from employer to employee cutover. I hope to see my $60 bill next time around.

De Ja Vu?
I did the exact repeat of Feb 14th wreck with the exception different movie but same food. and took the same exits etc but didn’t wreck and all was good in the world. I was worried

How stupid are you anyway?
Today I got up looked at radar and it was blank. I drove to burger king to get a burger opened up the sunroof and enjoyed the fresh air. I got to work and neglected to close sunroof. Well needles to say it had pop up thunderstorm and my sunroof open = soaked interior. I now have towels in my car to dry out the seats and center console. It will dry and be over with. What can I do? NOTHING.

Are you doe blogging for today?
Yes

So today I saw the movie Tangled since its the last week for it in the theaters and I’m glad I went to see it.

Hows life been treating me?
I’ve been breathing and had the recent realization that I really need to get a few things out of the way like the oral surgery that I’ve yet to book and my orthodontist has said if I get the implant I’ll be out of braces when its time to do the crown.. i.e. Merry Christmas if I do it soon. Once I’m done with braces I’m going to add more money to downsize my debit and if my current living situation doesn’t change gaining a apartment somewhere and starting over. I have the basics of an apartment but I kinnda want to start over;

Are you sleeping?
I’m glad you asked that because my Doctor changed me up again and now I’m sleeping 14hrs a day and shaking like I am having mini seizures. We had communion at church Sunday and I had to use both hands to hold it and let Cassie take one for me. Everyone has noticed I’m shaking. It sucks to type on my phone or on a keyboard. I can’t write on paper or fill out paperwork. I know the drug thats doing it but it stays in your bloodstream for weeks and I’ve been taking myself without doctors approval off of the drug but doing it slowly so I’ve noticed since I started the downgrade the shaking has slowed down but nowhere near stopped. The drug I’m coming off magnifies the effect of drug #2. So now I’m worried #2 isn’t going to keep me sleeping. If I take full doses of both I’m out 14hrs EASY. Thats what the doctor wants is 8-10 hours of sleep a night. I can’t do that with severe weather season about to start and leave at 6pm in the middle of an event because I have to sleep. I don’t do that shit. I stay and finish my job so I’ll fark with the drugs and make them work for me because my doctor has already said she’s tried every combination of old and new drugs. So I’m sleeping.. yes.. a lot.. to much.

In your previous posts you have mentioned some females.

Have I? I always pick the wrong ones so when will I know if I find a right one? I had this convo Sunday at lunch that its been 5 years since I’ve been out on a true date. I’ve been out with girls but never a real honest to god date. I don’t think I’d know how to handle myself. I need to bribe a girl to goto Borders (are they still in business?) and buy Dateing for dummies.I see a couple I know at church he puts his arms (possession) around her and when they pray she runs her hands over his face as he strokes her hair. THIS is what I wish I knew how to do. I currently have 3 females I’m talking to. 1 of them is purely a dream and will never happen but I like to keep her in the count. I have 1 that I’ve been out with a few times both dates and non-dates and she graduates tomorrow and unless she gets a job she’s leaving town for good. The other is a troubled weave and oh so un-healthy for me that that fact alone makes me wonder. I’ve never met this person face2face and only spoken to via voice twice. However From over 2k of txt messages I know most of her past her current and yet I don’t know what she wants.. I’ve never asked.. I just realized that I’ve never asked her what she wants because I know I can’t offer her what she’s going to want. If this un-healthy one is it I’d be an instant dad and that scares the shit out of me on so many levels and not just 1 child but 3.

Whatever happened to the girl from church?
I found her on facebook because she’s friends with two of the pastors I’m friends with. I was a good boy and didn’t stalk her until after I had communication. I dropped her a nice hello note on Facebook nothing like “I wanna do you” more of a “Looking to meet new people etc” and she invited me to join her and her BOYFRIEND up front. So after I know she’s unavailable I did some digging and found a recent divorce and I already knew she had 2 kids (yellow sticker on jeans) but a quick google got her linkdn profile and she’s a smart cookie and has a good job.
So now you know what happened to her. I’ll still put myself in her way if I can but I’m not going to stalk her or treat her any more different than I would the random female that sits in front of us sometimes.

What did you do for valentines day?

Funny you ask that because I wrecked my car in the afternoon. Car in front slammed brakes went right I slammed went left and to my left was 3 things. (a) Sand leftover for the blizzard (b) mound of snow shoved off to the side (c) a round pipe holding a >> sign on it. I hit the sand and pulled out of the skid but was already sliding to my right I pulled left over corrected and hit the snow pile and came to rest totally clipping a pole off because it fell against the back of my car. I was unhurt and the car was dented up pretty good but drivable. I called 911 to see if I needed a police report and they said no and I asked about the pole and they didn’t seem interested after hearing I’m not hurt. I then called Mom to let her know (dunno why but moms always the call list) then my State Farm Agent who talked me to the body shop and had me in a rental car from hell in just about an hour from 1st impact to rental. The rental had power NOTHING except steering and would shake like crazy over 80mph. Needless to say 11 days later my car is back in my hands.

Anything else happening?
I think thats enough of my thoughts for today other than I’ve been on my movie streak again and saw Tangled a Disney flick.. Great movie left you with a warm heart and a good sense. I think every person thats in the dumps should be forced to watch this movie.

Ahhh Oh yea the android -vs-iPhone
US Cellular
1. I didn’t have to buy the android
2. I get 10% discount with android
3. Unlimited EVERYTHING 109.99

Verizon
1. I have to pay 499. for iPhone
2. I get a 3% discount
3. 89 for voice, 20 for data 10 for txt

I stayed with US Cellular and how it works out I can upgrade my phone in 6 months and if I break it I get a new one. My contract I took over from work so I’m only under contract for a year and a month. Much better than 2 years locked.

Thanks for reading and I’ll try to keep at least some updates. Expl when the oral surgery finally gets done.

Lots of topics but if you really want a months worth of reading I suggest You read it I hit on dating, Why I’m on meds, The wreck, My Cellphone dilemma, and Oral surgery.. Enjoy

start off with last topic. Met with oral surgeon and he said the same as my ortho they should extract the tooth and do an implant screw to my jaw bone leaving me with a gap in my grill for about 10 months. This will extend my time in braces by 5 months. Oral surgery $1,700 Down and a bonus $200 if I want to be out cold for the event. TRUST ME I DO if your yanking a tooth and drilling into my jaw.

Since the last post we have had a blizzard, snowstorm and the big wreck.

My last 3 weeks are a blurr we had a blizzard which put us in a holiday inn downtown for 4 days and 14 inches of snow to disable the city to where in the 1st time in over 130 years the newspaper didn’t print for 2 days and we were doing insane on-air wx coverage 4am-2pm then 4:30-7pm and cut-in’s every 30 minutes in between. It was insane and I’ve not even looked at my timesheet to turn in for the last 2 weeks. I know the 2nd event wasn’t nearly as bad but they put us up at the hyatt this time which has a better bar and food. But when you get from the station at 3pm and have a 1am wakeup call I just want to eat/drink then go curl up in bed and sleep. I hate hotel beds because mine at home and every home I’ve had has always gone east to west because I sleep facing north and south. I can lay in a open field relaxed and tell you what direction were laying without any of the star mumbo jumbo that I forgot long ago. Hotels like to fuck with me and the pillows.. Just give me a body pillow.. I can’t bitch about my roommate because I always get the best. Alan. He is never there unless its that bad out that he can’t make it home to his family. I think I only had 1 night to room with him during these events.

Doctor has been fucking with meds again and I had a nice stable mix but it was causing me to shake to much so I AGAINST the advice of my doc took myself off the med .. THE right way tapper down the dose and started back with an old stable drug which I’d never used in this combo. and until Friday The 11th everything was perfect. Now cover story to co-workers is I took an ambien rather than adderall but the truth is I just got a new prescription refilled and I dunno what the fuck happened but I was sleepy, Slurry, Just in a daze and damnit I needed to be at the top of my game that day come about 7 I came out of it. I did the same thing Saturday to see if it was a fluke and it repeated Fridays results. On Saturday night I cut back the new (old) drug and was fine on Sunday morning. So I guess I’m going back to medicating myself and cutting back.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME (skip if your a common reader). You see me talk about drugs, meds, doctors… Why? Ever since I was about 16 my mind won’t shut off at night. I can count into the thousands in sheep I can sing every song I can lay there still as a mouse and just listen to myself breath while counting each breath. The term is Manic and is typically associated with bi-polar because a bi-polar patient cycles between depression (I’m talking about never get out of bed) depression to manic where they never stop. I’m not and never had the symptoms of bi-polar other than they treat me without the anti-depresants like I am. The medicines they use are powerful and don’t alter my mood unless you call sleepy a mood. I’m the same person on them as I am off just slightly more agitated due to the lack of sleep. I do have a drug that we have been playing with I call the IDGASD or (I Don’t Give A Shit Drug) and this was mostly for anxiety with moms heart issue but has helped some at work and I take on a as needed basis compare it to xannax. (commonly given to dogs to calm them).

Other things the online girl has turned into a random chat girl and nothing more than that I’ve not gone out with her or seen her. There is a new online option that has my interest but major consequences because she doesn’t live in Tulsa or within 100 miles of it. She is a bit older but conversations are engaging and entertaining. I would go visit her as she is an hour away but she has strings and lots of them. I’m still thinking how I feel about them. If she lived closer and I’d not have to uproot I’d probably have already met her and strings could be sorted easier. All this being said as I’ve only just met this person.. Plus the age thing is creepy I’m used to being the older one in a relationship not the younger one.

I went to church with Cassie a few Saturday nights ago and met a young lady who was greeting that night and she was very attractive. She sat near Cass and myself and I noticed she had no ring but had a child. (stickers for pairing up kids and parents). I got her name but not a single person I know from the church knows her or anything about her. I went last night for a few reasons to see if I could run into this mystery girl and catch a chance to chat up some of the pastor staff that I like to talk to. Cass is busy with some conference in Dallas and couldn’t make any of the services.

They are restarting FUSE the 30-40’s group but they host them on Sunday nights starting at 7pm. Thats like the latest I can be up on a Sunday because I flip my sleep schedule on Sunday to allow me to have a normal weekend.. I guess 2 weeknds from now I’m going to have a really screwed up schedule and pray I wake up for work. I want to find a small group that I can meet more people in our church.

The Big Wreck.
Over the past 8 years we have had a storm chase vehicle that we have chased in put over 200K of miles and between Dustin, Paul and myself hundreds of hours gearing it up with the very best of the best equipment and gear for chasing a tornado and giving the viewer at home a view and ride along. A few weeks ago a co-worker was driving down a road coming back to the station and some idiot pulled out in front of him and what we think totaled he vehicle. Ended up having to goto the salvage yard and salvage tons of equipment and gear and I had the task of storing and inventory of everything that came back in many pieces by many people

iPhone -vs- Android

Our work phones are going away and they are instead giving us a credit on our payroll. I have a brand new Samsung Mesmerize (top of the line for US Ceullar) that I really like except its battery life. That I can take to a personal US Cell account(without having to buy the phone) that runs $109 a month station gets a 15% discount and station pays over $50 so it comes to about $40 a month I’ll be taking on for a phone. OR I can jump to verizion and get an iPhone 4 and be back on the iphone bandwagon with slightly better battery life more apps (but I don’t play games so 99% of those apps don’t mean crap). The mesmerize has a 10pix cam as does the iphone flash etc. The thing I like about the mesmerize is how it handles contacts I have 3 lists all over 107 ppl and they are all a motly crew of old and new plus exchange contacts from work. I have 15 days to make this choice before I lose my phone # I’ve had for 5 years (record for me). If I go with the iPhone I have to buy the phone and pay about the same $40 a month. sidenote US Cell roams on Verizon so I’d have the same coverage. Who Knows.. Not even I know. I might have to pay a deposit with US Cell thats the only downfall because when I was 16 I didn’t pay a bill for 5 years.

if you read all of this thanks, Sorry for the lack of updates its just been hell.

Yesterday I had a chocolate chip cookie and it made my tooth feel bad. I made an emergency appt. to the dentist today and went to see him. I was to be worked in after lunch and I was 1st thing (thank you). He was nice until he got in my mouth and started poking, scraping, rubbing, taking xrays and getting a really bad look on his face. It seems I had a previous cavity in this tooth and they had filled it. Well I bit down broke not only the filling but it took a ton of tooth with it. I broke the tooth thru the base and below the gum line. I was given 3 options #1 root canal on the tooth and attempt at a crown which he said he doubts would hold. #2 extract the tooth and place a bridge. (which includes grinding down the 2 adjacent teeth to stubs and placing a piece of 3 fake teeth.. #3 extract the tooth and have oral surgeon drill holes in my jaw bone and place screws that in turn after a wait period (all w/o a tooth) they would “open” op the spot and place a fake tooth implant to take the spot.

I have an apt. with Ortho next Thursday and now floating appointment with my dentist until I meet with oral surgeons for a consult in Feb. I’m hoping that the temp filling holds for a while and will allow me to at least till I get things figured out.

Well if it can be done I am going to try!

40mg Benedryl
3mg Kolonipon
280mg Geodon
1200mg Lith
30mg Abilify
50mg Unison

Should sleep a nice 10 hours. We shall see .. if I wake up…

So its been a few days, we have ad snow, wind, rain, ice, and such. The last 2 weeks have been busy at work with the new systems and how they operate in a better way. I gave the girl the I’ wanna be friends talk to. I have been working this last week 3p-11 but since we have a crew in madison more like a 1:30-10p. They are back where I was just a few months ago training on some more items. This meant the morning A team had to goto the night A team. So I went to nights to a major shock to my system and as I write this I’m still messed up the getting home and winding down is the almost time to get up time for me normally. Friday we had a big twitter meetup and I freaked out because I had an appointment before work and didn’t consider the timing, I could have stayed another 30-45min but chickened out. I told you I’m shy. On saturday I got to hang out with John Filbeck some I talk to him everyday and type to him more than some online. He’s the TD (tech director) for his church and I wanted him to see the behind the scenes for our services and how our church audio/video layout work.
After the tour and such we were able to meet up with Cassie and her friend Brett and enjoyed a very boing service with a limited praise and worship. They had baby dedications so that took most of the service was dedicated to that. We went to pizza hut afterwards and had some pizza, salad and wings. Once I got home I had some cookies and biting into one of them I Ummm Kinnda broke a tooth/filling and am going to need that looked at asap. I’m usigng dental wax as a buffer.

Theres more but I’ve slept since then. Sorry. its been boring, Oh had dinner with Lindsay friday night.. was fun times…

I’ll try to update this week.