Welcome to Monday the day I normally post on when not trying drug combo’s on. Today I got into the office a few minutes before Alan so I had a chance to take all of the systems down for a reboot and have them coming back up when he got there. Work has been busy but on a whole new level of busy. I used to have free time but now I’m lucky to post on my Facebook and maybe monitor twitter. I do find it interesting that Friday night I got a post on a dating website that just so happened to notice my profile picture that was the same on twitter -vs- dating site and she said she wasn’t stalking me but thought it was funny she found me on both. I replied to her because see had a nice profile but got no reply.. O well. Other things going on I’ve been trying to tweak with some settings on a few of our maps and making subtle changes on the website to try them out. I’m a true believer that testing things out on the web makes it a ton better than a boss running across it on the air. I just hate I have a graphic I built since day 1 that has yet to be used but 99% of my others have and this 1 graphic would have been mad cool to use today. I’ve been dealing with Sprint reps and providers from other wireless companies trying to get negotiations for next spring already. I’m pondering a quick vacation trip to New Mexico over the next few weeks to see a friend that lives out there. Its been nice and windy here and all the autumn leafs are falling and collecting in the corners around my house. I need to goto WalMart and get some anti-freeze and oil for moms car to make sure it will make another winter. Her bills are starting to pile in and so far it seems her insurance is paying a large amount of the bills but just got the 3rd bill from the 1st procedure and even tho we put over 2k down there is still an amount to be paid. I’m hoping we get out of this round under 5k. I find it funny that some of the doctors that did her xrays are brothers and charge different fees thru different billing offices. I thought I was getting jipped twice and had to be corrected.

So to address my previous weeks post. Yes I’m documenting what I’m doing and yes I have read up on many combo’s and the risks involved but I also know that some combos’ allow me to sleep un-intrupted for 8 hours which is un-thinkable with prescription medication. YES I’m adding some prescriptions in the mix but if my doc would let me get back on Ambien I’d not be subjecting my liver to the daily cocktail of drugs. 90% of what I take are over the counter sleep-aids and the so-called natural remedies. The new IDGAFSAMD has been played in the mix and really I’m wondering if I need it at all in my system since I’ve not needed it since 6am on Sunday. I was thinking about other things I could be doing with my time/money and I really can’t think of anything. Church this week was pointless because Cassie bailed out on me and I really don’t have many close friends to “Hang out” with and spend time togeather with. All of my friends work different schedules or the ones that work the same ones have other friends and such they would rather be doing. I can’t say I’m a loaner but damn this holiday season is going to be a tough one. I spent a bit talking Friday night to a friend and she’s been dating this guy for almost 6 months the have established that the are just 2 ppl having fun. This is the girl I had the major crush on for the longest time before she started asking me for advice and I had to choose to lie to her and ruin things or tell her the truth and just ruin my chances of dating her or maybe my dreams of dating her. Anyway got to chill with her for a bit and it came up with presents and if they should exchange them. I think if you have been dating non-exclusivly and have crazy make out sessions that yes there should be a gift given. She doesn’t think so and I’m wishing she was mine so I could buy her a nice gift. The other 3 girls in my life are co-workers and one is nothing but drama but not in a bad way. I wish I had the drama and the problems she has. Who to hang out with? Who to call and chat with? Who needs my attention? etc. She has everything at her fingertips and just doens’t know how to use her talent. I once had a crush on her until again I entered into the friend zone and gave that up. The new girl is nice and sassy in a good way. So far shes taken my shit and tossed it back. I however don’t have a crush on this girl and I think in the end that will work out. She’s very sweet and I figure she might think I have a crush on her but I have to find a way of letting her know I can’t handle dating anyone currently.. Not unless she likes me then well things change ya know ;). For now I’ll be going to visit my druggie doctor tomorrow at 9am which means I have to skip out on a sweeps day to goto a doc. We shall she if she will buy into my wanting to go back on Ambien or some other drug thats stronger than Lunesta and I can get addicted to. OR if she will double my dose of Lunesta then I’d be a happy camper. Anyway been a while since I ranted and went off on a blog so it was due. Now you know that I secretly want a kitten for xmas and that I might be just giving away my truck to someone for a christmas gift.

So I just posted my drug list in case I do OD someone knows what combo did me in. But today was busy I’m getting more stressed because my boss is. I feel sorry for him because he keeps his cool and never causes a stink and the last week the producers have been screwing him over. In turn screws me over. I really don’t have time to play on the net at work anymore for social stuff. I’ve gained some weight and have extream munchies from the new meds. I need to chill out of the food intake. Something small today that threw me into a rage was someone took all the pixie stix off a co-workers desk saying they would give me some. they fucking didn’t and that ruined my morning. I know something so small caused such a big deal w/me. I came home after installing some new software and touching base with a few co-workers to attempt a nap which I still never get. Its going to be cold as hell in the morning on my way to work so I need to make sure I have hoodie ready to wear. The things I like about hoodies are you can wear the same one day after day because the under shirt. I have 1 that I really dig while the other I has a target on it (station logo). I try to not gain attention to my employer when I’m screaming and cussing out someone. I’m in a very angry and bitter mood of recent and its getting worse as you know if you read thru the blog. I’m starting to get scared were this is leading. I know of 3 options that would seal the hole for a while but I doubt that any of those 3 would fill it soon. I wish I had a better outlook on things. I am what I now call depressed and sick of all the bullshit. I’ll state again I’m NOT trying to OD on anything the strongest drug I’m only doing 2mg over my prescribed dosage. Well Tomorrow will be a different day and I hope will start off right. Because tonight I’m off to bed at 4:0pm and going to goto bed alone with just a pillow to keep me company.
peace out

2 steps today.. Drugs are not good or helping. Sample of what I take before bed.
200mg Benadryl
20mg Melatonin
2mg The new Drug IDGASAD
100mg Doxylamine Succinate
6mg Lunesta
10mg Ambien
240mg Geodon and
10mg Valerian root
All taken with a double dose of nyquel..

One of these days I’ll find a med that lets me sleep or I’ll OD..

Life is sucking pretty hard right now..

So today work was not as stressful but it still has a level of more to do than less to do. I had a major software glitch cause me to pull my hair out for a few hours and after I got home this evening found the patch for it. I’m not about to goto work to install all the patches. I enjoyed a movie today with a co-worker we went to go see morning glory which is about a morning tv show. Kinnda funny It will tank at the box office because most everyone won’t get it. But the highlight of the day was getting to know the new girl from work. I am the shy one and rarely talk/associate/deal with new people until they pass their 90day period. I’m a bit rude that way i guess but this girl seems down to earth and she takes my sarcasm and throws it right back at me. 1st off this wasn’t a date and I admit I think shes cool but there are hurdles that would need to be jumped before I even thought about her in a dating fashion. The convos went from my ex-wifes to her family and travels it was pretty much a no holds barred chat time between the transit to the movie and during the previews and on the way home even tho I was paying more attention to the roads because it was pouring rain and the roads were slick as shit. I have a birthday party tomorrow night where I’ll see my 2 fav girls and the 2 crushes I’ve had at one time or another. I think Steph (girl from today) will make an appearance and if I try to swing it I might take her w/me to give me a out if I need to leave etc.. I went to this girls BD party last year and it was fun and I had a few shots and that was about it. She’s had a major bad year since and I know it would hurt her feelings if I didn’t go. I know if I don’t that at least 2 others won’t go because they run the same rules I do if I don’t know more than 4 ppl at an event I won’t attend. Today it rained and rained I swear my bird feeders are full of water and I was welcomed home by a kitty needing attention. I’d post more but I really don’t have anything important to talk about I’m going to pop another I IDGASAD pill and attempt to goto bed. I know its not a school night however I’ve been going solid since 2am. Yea a whopping 20min early thanks to another co-worker txt messaging me asking if I’d stop and buy her a monster energy drink on my way in. I did see doughnut shop girl again today I really should flirt with her but I’m not that big of a flirt and if I even got a good reaction I’d never know it. I’m oblivious to those things. Off to pop some pills.. God one of these days I’m going to OD and realize just how many chemicals I put in my body that are legal. I should never read the warning labels on my meds because I don’t have seizures but I’m on like 4 seizure meds. Of course they have non-seizure uses but its kinnda scarry if I ever stop cold turkey what might happen. PS.. Took a single set back from the hole today after spitting in it to see if I could hear it plop.. Still no end in sight

The Subject line pretty much sums up my life right now. I’m done with my major projects a boss who always emails or calls me when I don’t fit his standards and almost never get a “Thanks” or anything anymore. I have other supervisors that are more appreciative. I started a new drug as I referenced in the previous post. I’m going to further refer to this as ” I don’t give a shit anymore drug” or IDGASAD.. I love this new drug because I really don’t give a shit. My life is sucking really hard and all my friends have other obligations or schedules to attend to rather than listen to me vent for a fucking 20min. I have so much pent up that I’m about to dive into a dark hole that I’ll refer to as the Old blogging days. I have 1 glimmer of hope and thats a new friend that I’m trying to build a friendship with but I have not a clue how the friend chemistry is going to work out. I’ve given up on dating websites because they suck, I’ve given up on the one girl I’ve secretly had a crush on ever since she went single some 9 months ago and have listened to her every bitch, whine and complaint and tried my best to be her friend. The IDGAASD drug has helped me relize that my life is a non-stop destructive cycle and I’m starting the destructive cycle again. I’m not really doing anything that will affect my work so I’m not worried about that except the supervisor that just looks at my overtime and not at the blood sweat and tears and less hair I’ve spent making the product work. As you read about now I can say that the IDGASAD is safe and used with suicidal individuals so don’t worry about me OD’n on this shit. The worst it can do is make me drunk and black out at dosages over 10mg and I’m doing .5 to 1mg. Spent the weekend experimenting with the dosages and notice that it prevents me from reaching a deep sleep. Thats the only bad side effect.
I hate that the singles group at church is disbanding and I now will have nothing to do with my church other than show up enjoy the music, listen to the word and go home and sin again.
I thrive on being around people and having friends. I try to be a friend to people it just seems its not a 2 way street. I’m the guy you call when your BF breaks up or fucks up and you want my opinion. I’m the guy you ask about girls and what you should do or handle yourself. I’m the guy thats a snob and won’t goto a party or event unless he has no less than 4 people there I now. I hate going to events solo and having to be fake and make friends or myself and he the loane guy at the bar taking shots of Jagermister. My life has been pretty good up until this last project started and I was all ramped up and happy about the project and now that I’m in the cleanup stage I feel like I’m worthless and have nothing to do. I’ve spent the last week working on my 5 month long to-do list and I’ve almost accomplished it in a matter of 4 days.
Mom being living at home has been a real life changer let me tell you. I had my 1st real fight and scream match with her on Sunday afternoon because I’d had a bad post-church experience at work and came home to watch some nascar and tivo and she demands to watch her tv shows. I proceeded to tell her that its my flatscreen TV, My sound system, and My fucking cable bill. I was not a happy camper. Some of the stress with mom is I had to shell out 2k of my cash so she could do the surgeries. I’m now back to living paycheck to paycheck and she was out of work for a week so I’m paying all the bills.
Soo Lets talk about the orthodontist I saw last Thursday. They changed out the bottom wire and it didn’t hurt as bad as the top they put a power chain on my top which is a VERY long rubber band that hooks into each bracket and pulls your teeth (mind you they have spent 6 1/2 months pulling apart) together. The assistant told me I’d be in pain for a while and recommended ibuprofen. I have a VERY high tolerance for pain and it was achy but by no means painful. The thing is the power chain is CLEAR so I have a clear rubber band across my top front teeth. I can’t eat ANYTHING mustard, ketchup, some soups, BBQ, anything that has red or yellow ingents that would stain a shirt will stain my chain. I have heard horror stories of ppl with bright green power chains and the ortho refusing to replace them until 6 weeks are up but I feel if I can pay them 6k they can make 15min available to me to change a fucking rubberband.
So I went on a rant from new drugs, work, lack of friends I can vent to and how anti-social I’ve become. You can ask some of my friends 10 years ago i was the life of the party and knew it. 12 years later I’m shy, quiet unless I know you or really trust you. I thought abut asking for some anti-depresants but none ever work for me and the ones I have tried were a bitch to get off of. I’ll stick with my IDGAFSD and play with the dosages to see how I do. I enjoy my job and would stay there 12hrs a day if I could. I’m also not eating again and what I do eat is junk food its 3pm and all have eaten is a sausage biscuit that our HR lady shared if we voted for employee of the year. I’m also warming up to a new co-worker thats married so stop thinking I’m flirting that I think I can build a friendship with her also so I guess there are 2 options with one of them single and the other happily married. I think I’m going to pop about 4mg and head to bed i’ve already established that alcohol has no effect on my drugs (liver might disagree) since I tried to get smashed Friday night and only succeeded to toss and turn all night regardless of what i took to sleep.
I just took 1/2 an ambien, 2 more .5 of IDGAFS so 2mg, about 40mg benedryl and 15mg of meletonan. 3mg of lunesta Plus my normal meds. I’m pretty sure I don’t have any combos that will assist or make me OD. My doctor has been very careful because she thinks I’m suicidal and I’ve been there before and I know those thoughts are just waiting till i get farther down the hole. I’m staring down and do see the bottom so thats a good sign. I want to go see a movie called Morning Glory its about morning show producers and I think 1 group are going tomorrow and I might go with Stephanie on Friday morning. I just find it sad that at 3pm I’m going to bed because I have no friends to hang out with and church is not out until 930 and that would affect my sleep schedule severely since I’ve already shown up to work in an altered state of mind. If you now me IRL or read this the one thing you should get at is I’m not perfect, I’m now broke and am currently needing to find someone more fucked up than me to hang wih so I can learn off them rather than me guessing how to act. Have fun reading my mind.

So with all this stress shit with mom I’ve asked for advice and council from my doctor and her suggestion was xanax but opted for one in the same class thats less abuse able given my past. I have to admit I like this shit. I can handle the stress of mom and still not panic as much. I have however found that my new med mixed with my lunesta (sleeping pills) is a VERY VERY dangerous mixture and puts me beyond intoxicated and lasts over 8 hours. This comes into the issue because 2 days this week I’ve driven to work when I shouldn’t have because I would most defiantly get a DUI/DWI. I’ve been tweaking the hours to prevent this and have found I have to be in bed by 6pm or I’m fucked in the morning and useless at work. I am to take the un-named new drug every 6 hours or as needed. I’ve not been doing the every 6 hours but more of in need and at bedtime. I’ve already tried a double dose and the results were I got high. I didn’t like that result I’ve NEVER used prescribed drugs to get high or a kick. I abuse a pill because I feel it needs to do its function better. I’m by no means a druggie or such. Just someone that self medicates and experiments with combinations of prescribed drugs. For the record and fact I’m not currently doubling up or abusing my new found drug anymore and the dose I’m on is the lowest dose they offer. .5mg the normal dose is 3mg. Anyway I thought I’d update the new drug.

So a ton has happened but not enough to cause an update, from work stress going thru the roof with a new look, new system and everyone being touchy. Mom had a heart stress test yesterday and said it was not very fun. They have a meeting scheduled on next Wednesday for mom to see what the plan of action is. I would bitch about everything at work thats going on but I have some amazing coworkers that have made the impossible happen over a 5 day period to destroy and re-build the weather center and re-design it from bare bones. Darin & Q busted their address and made what could be a painful situation less painful. I know they were doing an insane amount of hours. The office looks nice and they designed it to specs. I can’t help that the people that signed off on the design have problems with the final product. I can only shrug and go on. If I take it personalty then I get stressed and I’ve been enough of that recently. I’ve dropped another 5 pounds this last few weeks. I’ve just not been eating I guess. I’m still stressing about my mom and wondering if they are going to tell her she needs heart surgery right off or if they think they can control this with her medicine. Oh and get this for randomness.. I lost the cord to my new razor.. FUCK ME.. I am having to shave again with a blade and it sucks. I can’t afford to buy a new razor because I’m also having to pay mom’s bills along with mine this month since she missed a week without work and she doesn’t get sick time.

I have a get together tonight at Leon/s where I’ll see a few friends and have some drinks. I won’t stay long because I have to be back to work in the morning. My twitter friends are fun to hang out with. I’m in 2 separate groups and it would be awesome if they mixed but their personality would clash I think. One is more professional than the other

Greetings,

So Yesterday at 1:00 we had the all awaited appointment with the heart surgeon and he was very nice and prompt. We had an 1:30 appointment and we were in a exam room with him by 1:35. I was impressed by his promptness. I recorded all the conversations so I could refer back to what lingo he used and well for insurance reasons.. Malpractice anyone?

Ok heres the spill she is 100% blocked in both legs from her trunk thru her groin and it seems she is not showing any signs or symptoms of the blockage and the veins have created their own method of getting blood to her legs and proper circulation. They talked about her carotid artery on the right side of the neck and he believes that it is 99-100% blocked and the clots that caused moms “mini stroke in her eyes” was probably the final blockage and thinking that blood thinners will prevent this from re-occurring. Hew carotid artery on the left side is 50% blocked and is providing a good flow of blood to both sides of the brain. He wants to monitor the left side and if it gets to 60% or 70% he wants to operate. The leg issue he says until she starts to show signs of the cramping and fatigue then he isn’t to worried about it. He has ordered mom a stress test on her heart as well as a full blood work run. He has prescribed her Lipitor, Plavax, Atenolo and Chavix and the 81mg of aspirin a day. Needless to say mom went from Allegra to now a shitload of meds. They are hoping that thinning out the blood along with something to control the blood pressure will help the blockage and a cholesterol controller to prevent future blockage. Mom is now 1 week smoke free and taking chavix to help her with that. He has said that she is not out of the woods for surgery and if the stress test fails then we might be looking at bypass surgery. So until mom gets worse we are on a holding pattern that he said could be months or a year. he wants a MRI every 6 months on her left side to monitor the blockage.

Thats the scoop and the family is slowly getting the news and we aren’t withholding much of the info this time since it overall is good news for the short term. Mom is looking to return to work this week with light duty due to her incisions.

So this has been a wacky 2 weeks. I’ve seen a few movies The Social Network, Live As We Know It and Its A Funny Kind Of Story. The Social Network was a great flick and I recommend it to everyone that does social networking. Life as we know it was pretty good had a warm and fuzzy feeling after the movie. And The movie that the reviews says sucked but I thought was an OK movie was its A Funny Kind Of Story. I liked how they played off suicide prevention and the fact that our youth are farked up in the head. The movie was pretty much shot in a sound stage and very limited outdoor shots so a fairly easy movie to shoot,
I was going to have a semi-sorta date last Tuesday with a friend to hang out at the fair and just have fun.. I think the girl is a nice and cool chick but she has a confusing life with 3 children and such. I was expecting fun but had lunch on Tuesday afternoon with her and a new set of friends and was to hang out that evening. I got a txt from her about 3 and all was good. Some 4 when we were going to go out she said she had to wait till 5 and I was good with that.. After 6:30 and her now replying to txt messages or answering her phone. I had taken Wednesday off so I could stay out on Tuesday evening. So it was all in vain. I’ve yet to hear from her and dunno how I would approach the situation other than WTF. So I’m just checking this off as a lesson learned and to not trust females again. I was more disappointed than hurt but it did suck. I mean call me and say plans changes, call me and say your kids sick, call me and say your sick, call me and say you don’t want to go out. But don’t leave me hanging. Oh yea she was twittering during the times she was not answering her phone and text messaging.

Greetings Friends,Today is Monday, Oct. 4, the 277th day of 2010. There are 88 days left in the year

Has a fun weekend but an interesting one. Friday I went to see the movie “The Social Network” it was a pretty good flick. I came home and did some reading and server work but I came home to my MBP (MacBook Pro) making a horrid noise. It seems I have a fan going out and causing it to sound like a cat with its tail stuck in a fan. Saturday I walked in a AIDS walk and helped them raise money for local groups. I was supposta goto the fair with Leah and I sorrta did. We got to the fair and walked around for 20min before some old lady in front of me stopped in her little hover-round and caused me to trip. I made the comment I hated old people and the lady was offended and told me I’ll be old someday where I replied I’ll be dead long before her. Well this exchange included me telling her to F off and this offended Leah as it should have and I took her home. I came back to town and took mom to dinner then I went back to the fair and roamed around. For Sunday I went to church to beg for forgiveness. I went shopping after church and washed my car at the car wash (wow go figure) and then home to watch some NASCAR which was depressing because there were hardly any wrecks. I then turned to football and rested the rest of the day. I pondered going and buying a new macbbook and stopped myself before I did because even tho I have the cash on hand to do it I don’t want to spend a few thousand dollars when fixing mine might be a lot less. So I have an appointment today to have them look at my MBP. I’m expecting them to keep it for a few days I am going to get the HD replaced and maybe some more memory added. I figure I might want to get it upgraded if it will stay together. Otherwise I had a un-productive weekend.

Well theres my Monday update. Oh yea the “Ouch” is because I have 2 sores in my mouth from braces and they hurt like hell. I’ve got 2 big chunks of wax in my mouth to stop the irritation but it still is sore. Anyway theres the explanation of the topic.