Happy New Year

OK this is my once a year bitch fit. Some saw the effect on Thursday last week if you follow me on social media. So I turned another notch near 40 and I received one, 1, o-n-e real paper card. I had lunch and a movie with Cass but the rest on Facebook and text 90% a day late. I find it fantastic when the events this year not only ment a small but yummy Xmas and that’s it. I feel like there were no holidays, I had to miss my 2 favorite events that are tradition for me. Granted again health issues just mucked up everything. I have an ex that has kept her word and stayed away, my unicorn and a flame that will always be there regardless. I hate being alone because it’s just that.. Alone.. I can watch all the TV I want on my snazzy new phone or tablet but if I’m not on a plain or waiting room I get bored. Boredom = more toys = $. So I know my hazards from the past are well, in the past. My unicorn is like pixie dust. One moment she’s there then months without as much as seeing her. My old flame is flammable and I don’t know if I’m ready for that fire. I look ahead and see that soon I’m going to loose Cass because she is going to be in mommy mode soon. Really only one person on my scope and they are so far off my scope if I were to reveal I think we would need several EMT’S on scene. So do I build a net for the unicorn? Do I do the unthinkable? For years (5) I’ve not hard core longed to be with someone until this summer when I got a taste before it soured.

I thought before this mom ordeal I had a new “network of friends to rely on” yet when I throw up the white flag it ends up in the mud. My core friends are there but have families or hours away. The thing that sucked about leaving home so young is I severed all my friendships that most keep their lifetime. I have a ghost, Cass, Nichole and Steve and Angela but all have family’s.. I’ve been busting my ass to keep everyone happy but myself. The problem is “what would make me happy”?  I’ve never been fond of children and never wanted to be a father. I want someone that works the same type hours and doesn’t expect the world but be surprised when she gets it. I remember the old me whom used to randomly hand out roses on Friday nights. I remember the me that deejay’d nights and got to hang out all the time. Yet I grow up to be doing a job I enjoy and don’t mind the hours one bit. After this recent living at the hospital for weeks I should have tried to get to know the nurses better =).
Well today has been busy and hasn’t Slowed until I picked up the phone to post to mom’s blog but thought that enough was running thru mine to ramble. I live outside the glass box looking in to find problems yet sit in the cold and don’t ask or appreciate who’s got my back. I also feel like the bad son whom isn’t at his mom’s bedside right now just to be there. I wasn’t accomplishing anything there nor here.

I hate being a mental mess when it comes to me. I like walls and build great ones. Sometimes a ghost will drift thru a wall or something so crazy you would never belive it if I told you catapulted itself over into my very fabric both physically and mentally. I also giggle that people never realized I don’t have to be sitting in an office to control the world.

Ok, my rant on holidays, flaky friends, safety nets with holes and walls shall end.