Was told today I don’t matter. I once thought I didn’t and I reached a point where I thought I just might. Well fuck me. Apparently I’m not worth even a return txt.
I get it when my mom doesn’t txt me back. But for another that’s a different story.
Do I matter?

I’m without love.

I’ve started giving away computers, monitors family airlumes and stopped paying bills. Man what a weight off my shoulders. I want to goto Utah to hug someone and kiss their forehead and maybe a trip to 1 other place to thank them for being there for me.

Fair is over and have no desire for Christmas or holidays. I really have noone to talk to anymore. Even when I call friends I get sent to voicemail. I just wait to die.

Did I just pass it?

The hour glass is slowly emptied

This person has a letter in my safe for when I kill myself.

I sorts tried but couldn’t get it done.
Anyone who contacts help lines, copes, etc will be serving me a death warrant. Don’t do it.

It’s been 8 years since I’ve been intimate with anyone.
It’s been 5 years since I kissed my mom goodbye as she started to code.
It’s been 4 years since I’ve gotten a hug from Cassie, Leah or anyone really except Patrick.
Aside from my moms goodbye kiss I’ve not had a real kiss in 8 years.
I forget what these emotions mean and they are foreign to me. I’m sure before I’m cremated some perverts will take my innocence away. And ruin that streak.
Last year Christmas didn’t exist. Birthday didn’t exist and hopefully soon I won’t exist.